Candorfull: From the Inspiration of Babes

Candorfull: From the Inspiration of Babes: "At what point in our lives do we evaluate everything we have accomplished so far in comparison to what we thought we would have accomplished..."

From the Inspiration of Babes

At what point in our lives do we evaluate everything we have accomplished so far in comparison to what we thought we would have accomplished?  Is there a point where we stop and say, 'hey, I really don't dig what I'm doing with my life,' and 'how the hell did THIS happen?' and 'What IS that on the bottom of my shoe?'  Apparently, at least in my pinhole of the Universe, there aren't too many people who are actually DOING what they thought they would be doing when they were 12.  If I could find all of those essays we had to write in grammar school about what we did over the summer, I would be a successful Dolphin Behaviorist living on a 10 acre winery in Napa with my amazingly perfect husband and 5 children, running our non-profit B & B and dog rescue facility.  So I suppose there really is no perfect time to evaluate our lives.  Only a time that we reach where was sit up suddenly from the couch, look around, and realize those aren't awards of me on the wall with my prized poetry-reading cetacean, but cracks in the paint looking more like a crinkled up road map of friendships and relationships branching off into nowhere...some reconnecting over the door frame, others disappearing into the windowsill.  Lucky for me, the cracks are only in the paint and not the wall, which means I can make as many trips to Sherwin-Williams as I want to change the color. And on one of those trips, I'm always hoping to find that one paint color that makes me stop and think.  Not just hold it next to the carpet to see if it matches, but to hold it up next to ME and see if it matches me...and if it Inspires me.

When there's nothing to say, don't say 'k'.

Ever been in one of those moods where all you really want to do is have a screaming argument with someone?  I mean, just me yelling at them wouldn't be enough.  What I want is to push and push someone, preferably someone who is trying to help me, to the point that they're yelling back at me.  Yeah, that's where I am right now. And to make matters worse, I'm writing this with the hopes that someone, no LOTS of people will read it, that said lots of people will then click on ads so I can make some money.  Which is really where a lot of this anger is coming from.  But that's kind of a lie, because I'm angry about a lot of things, most of which I have absolute control over, yet I chose to do nothing.  And why to I chose to do nothing?  Because engrained in me, by no fault of my own, is this feeling that if I feel low enough, if I complain loud enough and cry long enough, someone will rescue me.  Someone with a big, fat checkbook who will scoop me up, hand me a cocktail, and maybe tell me how awesome I am.  But this time, it's not going to happen because all of those people, meaning my family or my ex, are all fucking broke now.
The 'mentors' that I was supposed to have, the people who in the past were there to catch me, have all fallen down.  And maybe it's for the best. Time will tell.

I know I'm alone because the last person I felt was on my side, that could actually be here to hold my hair back when I puked, to tuck me into bed, to give me a real hug, just said, 'k' to me after I vented.
THAT is how I know I'm all alone.

Mid-life crisis or awakening?

I told my daughter last night that I had this gnawing urge to get a tattoo.  I don't know what it would be or where it would be placed.  But somehow, the idea of feeling a continuous dull pain all while something beautiful is being created describes very closely how I've been feeling.  She said a tattoo at my age screams mid-life crisis.  But isn't a crisis something we ought to learn from and push through?  Something that will make us better grown-ups?  Why does the word crisis have to be a negative thing?  Yes, it's sudden and something that engulfs us, blocking out all other reason and normalcy.  But we do come out the other end.  It's the journey that gets you through that dark place that is what we learn from, right?  The constant doubt I write with is just as prevalent in my words and actions.  I wake up feeling bright, hopeful and empowered. But somewhere when reality sets in, the dog needs to be walked, the kids need to be fed and the bills need to be paid, the cloud ceases it's hovering and sets itself right on top of my head, barely leaving me a sliver to see out from under.  Some days, I can push the cloud off, make it dissipate before even touching me.  But other days it's impossible to move and I eventually give in and break down, feeling alone, angry and inadequate.  Today, I don't really feel qualified to be a mother.

I remember being my kids ages and younger, looking at my parents as they floated along through life, tip toeing over fights and money problems, all of which were so engrained in me I never thought twice about them.  These are the things a relationship, a marriage, is made from.  These are the things I should expect to have in my own relationships.  These are the things I should aspire to.  Many couples feel that arguing over anything, especially money, should be kept from children's ears.  Why make them feel insecure and worry?  Why allow them to see into the looking glass of marriage, when most mirrors resemble mercury glass rather than a streak-free reflection?  Mine was a thoughtless combination of these, wherein I heard them fighting, yelling, slamming and driving away, but never with any explanation or acknowledgement of the outcome.  Is this how things are supposed to be?  Is one parent the dominant and the other submissive?  Are fights supposed to happen and then just dissolve and be forgotten?  And IS there a healthy way to argue?  How was I supposed to learn the art of marital sparring without a lesson?

When you're chatting with someone online, is it rude to just come out and ask them if they have shitty teeth because they're not smiling in any of their pictures? Is it wrong to ask if they have a 'crazy eye' or are they just looking at the camera at a weird angle? And do they ever smile? Or did they actually think that those mug shot-like, pissed off, brooding pics were the best way to advertise what a stellar catch they are? And do they really think that neglecting to mention that you're a single father of 6 children that live with you full time but you have an amicable relationship with the mother won't be a potential deal-breaker? The latest fleeting interest explained that he did all of his internet bidding via his cell phone because one of his 6 offspring had spilled chocolate milk into the fan. Pass.

Cougar Talk

Our perception of ourselves apparently changes over time. We learn that a good push up bra and chicken cutlets coupled with the perfect shade of red lipstick are all we need when prowling for the perfect specimen. But eventually, time and gravity make themselves known, and we learn that the little tricks we thought were so, well tricky, have run their course. It's time to lay your cards out on the table, succumb to the Bali bra with 4 hooks your mother has been telling you to wear since, after all, you do take after your 48GG Aunt Esther, and put yourself out there. Indeed, being a single woman in your 40's and back on the market is a lot more difficult than I imagined it would be.

Although flattering, getting messages from 20-somethings asking if I'm interested in something hot and shallow only reminds me of sitting in a wading pool on my balcony in July. I've contemplated embracing my inner cougar, but somehow, as my kids get older, it just feels icky. I mean how sexy would be it if what I yell out mid-throe resembles more of 'I hope you brought clean underwear' rather than 'yes, yes, yes!' Conversely, men in their 40's have not only baggage, but most likely a garment bag and additional carry on. I'm not interested in being a step-mother or step-wife for that matter and I'm certainly not looking for the same in male form.

Which leads me to seek out the ever-popular never-been-married-have-no-offspring-that-I'm-aware-of man. My first question for these guys is why haven't you been married yet? To which they almost always reply, 'I haven't found the right woman,' or 'I was in a long-term relationship that just didn't lead to marriage.' And I'm not sure either of those is an acceptable answer for me. Which is where I'm at now. Looking for THAT guy. The one who has perhaps been married but didn't reproduce, so I don't have to deal with the kid issue. Or has been married and reproduced but has 'normal' kids who are least my kid's ages or older. (No toddlers, please. Mine were lucky I let them stay for as long as I did.) Or hasn't been married but is just such a stellar guy that it doesn't matter to me that he had a fear of commitment for 40+ years because I am the one he's been searching for.

For now, the journey continues. So I continue to go on umpteen virtual dates, web chat and troll dating sites more than I'd like to. For now.

Let's talk...

I've been a huge fan of internet dating for the last couple of years. I'd rather filter out my basic requirements in a man without wasting perfectly good gas money driving to yet another meet and greet. Through my daily trolling, I've noticed some things that are not only an instant turn-off, but make me wonder why the heck some of these guys are even on a dating site. First impressions are everything. Yes, we all look at the pictures first, and there is nothing to be ashamed of in doing this. Would you normally approach a 5'2", squinty-eyed, bald guy with a handle bar mustache and a peg leg in bar? Online, you can at least go through those quickly, assuming they're being honest. I also get a good feel for a guy based on their grammar and command of the English language. I MAKE GOOD HUSBAND AND LOVER. I TAKE CARE OF MY WOMAN. I LIKE ME TO COOK WITH YOU. MOST OF LADIES LIKE MY DEEMPULS. Yeah, I'll pass on that one. Also, men who instant messages like a 13 year old girl, LOL! I WANNA C YOU! OMFG YOU ARE SOOOOO CUTE! No thanks.

People post the most ridiculous pictures of themselves, too. Head shots are the worst. The brooding, serious pictures are also annoying. Guys, if you're listening, you don't look even remotely sexy or alluring. You just look pissed off. Another photo that still amazes me are the ones of said guy with their ex or their minor children. Really? Why do I need to see how happy you looked when you were with another woman? And nix the kiddy pics. I'd rather see you walking on the beach or rescuing a puppy from a burning building. And unemployed men don't need to apply. The last thing I need is to hook up with someone in a worse place than I am financially. One guy told me he was actually happy being a bum and living off of unemployment. He was totally relaxed and content eating Frosted Flakes in bed and watching Dr. Phil every day. Again, no thank you.

For those of you haven't embarked on the world wide web dating train, I urge you to give it a try, if for nothing more than entertainment. There are several you can search and communicate on that are free, and more that allow you to search but not initiate contact unless you're a paid member. You never know. Companionship may be just a hop, skip and a click away.