Mid-life crisis or awakening?

I told my daughter last night that I had this gnawing urge to get a tattoo.  I don't know what it would be or where it would be placed.  But somehow, the idea of feeling a continuous dull pain all while something beautiful is being created describes very closely how I've been feeling.  She said a tattoo at my age screams mid-life crisis.  But isn't a crisis something we ought to learn from and push through?  Something that will make us better grown-ups?  Why does the word crisis have to be a negative thing?  Yes, it's sudden and something that engulfs us, blocking out all other reason and normalcy.  But we do come out the other end.  It's the journey that gets you through that dark place that is what we learn from, right?  The constant doubt I write with is just as prevalent in my words and actions.  I wake up feeling bright, hopeful and empowered. But somewhere when reality sets in, the dog needs to be walked, the kids need to be fed and the bills need to be paid, the cloud ceases it's hovering and sets itself right on top of my head, barely leaving me a sliver to see out from under.  Some days, I can push the cloud off, make it dissipate before even touching me.  But other days it's impossible to move and I eventually give in and break down, feeling alone, angry and inadequate.  Today, I don't really feel qualified to be a mother.

I remember being my kids ages and younger, looking at my parents as they floated along through life, tip toeing over fights and money problems, all of which were so engrained in me I never thought twice about them.  These are the things a relationship, a marriage, is made from.  These are the things I should expect to have in my own relationships.  These are the things I should aspire to.  Many couples feel that arguing over anything, especially money, should be kept from children's ears.  Why make them feel insecure and worry?  Why allow them to see into the looking glass of marriage, when most mirrors resemble mercury glass rather than a streak-free reflection?  Mine was a thoughtless combination of these, wherein I heard them fighting, yelling, slamming and driving away, but never with any explanation or acknowledgement of the outcome.  Is this how things are supposed to be?  Is one parent the dominant and the other submissive?  Are fights supposed to happen and then just dissolve and be forgotten?  And IS there a healthy way to argue?  How was I supposed to learn the art of marital sparring without a lesson?

Cougar Talk

Our perception of ourselves apparently changes over time. We learn that a good push up bra and chicken cutlets coupled with the perfect shade of red lipstick are all we need when prowling for the perfect specimen. But eventually, time and gravity make themselves known, and we learn that the little tricks we thought were so, well tricky, have run their course. It's time to lay your cards out on the table, succumb to the Bali bra with 4 hooks your mother has been telling you to wear since, after all, you do take after your 48GG Aunt Esther, and put yourself out there. Indeed, being a single woman in your 40's and back on the market is a lot more difficult than I imagined it would be.

Although flattering, getting messages from 20-somethings asking if I'm interested in something hot and shallow only reminds me of sitting in a wading pool on my balcony in July. I've contemplated embracing my inner cougar, but somehow, as my kids get older, it just feels icky. I mean how sexy would be it if what I yell out mid-throe resembles more of 'I hope you brought clean underwear' rather than 'yes, yes, yes!' Conversely, men in their 40's have not only baggage, but most likely a garment bag and additional carry on. I'm not interested in being a step-mother or step-wife for that matter and I'm certainly not looking for the same in male form.

Which leads me to seek out the ever-popular never-been-married-have-no-offspring-that-I'm-aware-of man. My first question for these guys is why haven't you been married yet? To which they almost always reply, 'I haven't found the right woman,' or 'I was in a long-term relationship that just didn't lead to marriage.' And I'm not sure either of those is an acceptable answer for me. Which is where I'm at now. Looking for THAT guy. The one who has perhaps been married but didn't reproduce, so I don't have to deal with the kid issue. Or has been married and reproduced but has 'normal' kids who are least my kid's ages or older. (No toddlers, please. Mine were lucky I let them stay for as long as I did.) Or hasn't been married but is just such a stellar guy that it doesn't matter to me that he had a fear of commitment for 40+ years because I am the one he's been searching for.

For now, the journey continues. So I continue to go on umpteen virtual dates, web chat and troll dating sites more than I'd like to. For now.